Call Homeland Security

Another Grandma, but this one is scary. I am sure she didn’t purchase this sweatshirt this way. It had been modified..or overhauled. In fact, I believe the purpose of the shirt has changed completely. It is no longer a garment designed to keep one warm and celebrate a holiday, but has been altered to be a device used to blow up shopping malls, Walmarts, and Targets…or at least strike fear into the hearts of other shoppers so that they’ll move away from the modern-day Tickle-Me-Elmo and Grandma can walk our with her prized purchase with smug satisfaction. I’m scared of her just seeing the photo. If you see her pin real life, move to the side and do not make eye contact…perhaps you’ll be spared.

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Pretty in Pink

This one hurt my eyes…actually it hurt my brain. I think I have PTSD (PINK traumatic stress disorder). I have two beautiful, talented, smart, caring, and certainly better than I deserve daughters but they ruined the color pink for me.

I’m a pretty progressive guy. I wear pink dress shirts, ties, and occasional t-shirts. However my daughters were/are girly girls and our house glowed Barbie pink for most of their early childhood’s. You would not need GPS to find our house, just look across the horizon and follow the pink aura. It was kind of like radioactive cotton candy. Thankfully we have moved beyond that stage and my daughters have broadened their favorite colors to a more diverse color palate.

Grandma here apparently is channeling her inner Barbie. Pink and white in excess. If Stacy and Clinton were available they would trash this ensemble for sure as a prime example of what no to wear. If the pink and white weren’t enough (or too much), the silver bow sends it over the top. Is she a gift? If so, I hope she comes with a gift receipt. The pink Prada purse…it’s fake. Grandma bought it at the World’s Largest Flea Market at exit 57. Her granddaughters tried to talk her out of it to no avail.

If you look in your closet and find a pink reindeer sweater hanging next to a pair of white pants, do us all a favor and use them as kindling for your next holiday fire.

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How YOU doin’?

If Joey Tribbianni, a character on the 90’s hit show Friends, were to wear a tacky sweater…the result might be similar. Slightly inebriated, overly confident, with a style all his own, our modern-day Joey is working the same magic called upon by male party goers throughout the ages. But this dude has missed the mark.

Look in the background, this doesn’t appear to be one of those hip, ironic, and sarcastic parties I’ve heard so much about. This guy is rocking his ensemble all by himself…it’s quite possible he also made it all by himself. Here is how it went…”hmmmm, I have a red sweater, what to do…I know I have that check-list stocking that Aunt Betty gave me (what was she thinking?). I could attach it to my red sweater. Oh…and wait, I have a Rodney the reindeer; it would look awesome stapled over my kidney and my sister left her kid’s Santa bib here last week…that is definitely going around my neck. Watch out ladies, here I come”.

My response…fail. He went home alone for sure.

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Hipster in green

hipster in greenI’ve heard tell of these hipsters who have embraced holiday sweaters, not so much as a way to make fun of then or be sarcastic, but as a way to be ironic…see the subtlety there? The hipster is a breed I am not as familiar with. I have seen them in their natural habitat, Urban Outfitters and have heard rumors that they frequent re-sale clothing shops and thrift stores. Which I might say is crazy to me…have you seen the prices on the less than stellar quality clothes at Urban Outfitters? They are certainly out of my range, and below my size. I guess spending $85 on a cardigan makes it necessary to find jeans at the Goodwill store. Here is today’s post. I call him hipster in green.

Notice the snuggly fit sweater that he might have come across at the Salvation Army’s thrift store, but his t-shirt and underwear (which we cannot see) surely came from H&M. His distressed jeans are NOT thrift store though they might look like it. The are actually from a designer boutique, may be unisex, and cost $178. And just so you know, he has on suede desert boots and they are awesome. Finally, the ubiquitous hand in the pocket and micro-brew beer completes the ensemble. If only he had heavy dark rimmed glasses, I guess he can’t have everything. In my book he is the poster child for the holiday hipster…something I can aspire to.

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The Day After

Black Friday was a bust for my family. For years my wife and I have gotten up pretty early, 4-5 AM and joined the masses in the retail Mecca’s in our area. We are not sleep out all night, elbow throwing, grandma assaulting shoppers. We are people watchers who buy things if the price is right and the product is available. About 8:30 AM we meet some family for breakfast and then we’re done. It’s an annual early morning date more than anything.

This year the game changed. In our area most retailers opened on Thanksgiving night at 10 PM or the next morning at midnight to 3 AM. At those hours my commitment to sleep is far greater than my desire to people watch and shop. We got up and 5 AM and made our usual rounds. At every retailer we were able to find parking spots up front, didn’t have to wait in any lines, and carts were plentiful. How boring. While we were able to find the gifts we wanted, we missed the hair pulling and bumper carts. I’m sure the retailers made plenty of money, but they took some of the fun out of it for  me.

So, I am thankful for todays post because he brings me joy.

Here’s what the scenario. He woke up early and decided to go get the morning paper. He couldn’t find the yellow pit stained T-shirt he took off last night but he felt he had to wear something down the driveway. So he looked at the bench at the end of the bed and saw his lovely wife’s favorite Christmas vest and thought, “that’ll work”. So he put it on and shuffled down the driveway in his house-slippers. What he had not counted on was the granddaughter that spent the night and her gift for candid photography (potential future paparazzi). With a quick “click”…there you go, blackmail against granddad for years to come.  Priceless.

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REAL People

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These are REAL people! Not that the others aren’t real, but these are related to me and that makes them especially real to me.

My sister-in-law let me down in a big way on Thanksgiving. I was basing the awesomeness of my day on her holiday apparel. I was expecting cardigan bliss covered in turkeys, pilgrims, and pumpkins. Alas…she showed up in a white sweater, a white sweater…really? What a disappointment. I was barely able to eat I was so depressed (that’s a lie, I ate like a fiend).

However, she made up for it today. She arrived at our Black Friday breakfast sporting her Christmas tackiness. She redeemed herself for me. She’s currently my favorite sister-in-law and my only family member to be featured on tackyholidays.com thus far. You could be next…send submissions to tackyholidaysweaters@gmail.com.

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Scratch and sniff Thanksgiving apparel

Well enough of these cross stitched, knit together, cartoon looking sweaters…today we are going straight up realistic. It might be like examining the differences between impressionism and realism in the art world; except none of these holiday sweaters could be considered art in their current form. Perhaps combined with some bodily fluids, a few religious artifacts, and some out of the box thinking…they might fit nicely in the Museum of Modern Art; but paired with a pair of chino slacks – not so much.

So here is today’s offering. I’ll bet it is scratch and sniff, I hope it is scratch and sniff…that would be amazing.

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